Thoughts
by Cerulean Solitaire
Summary: Not exactly for little kids. I call it a wandering poem; it's not really a poem, but is written in poetry format, and would make no sense as a story. It's a certain someone's thoughts on a certain someone else. (I won't tell!)


Why?

Why does Fate torture me so?

I searched my whole life for you

I endured the pain

The sorrow

The… 

Everything.

And then I found you.

And what did I do?

What did I say to you?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

It wasn't my choice

Believe me

If it was, I would've told you

The moment I met you

But I couldn't.

I _can't…_

Ever… 

I can never tell you

What you want to hear

I can only strive

To make you happy…

_I_ know no happiness.

Happiness for me

Exists only within you.

But… 

That look in your eyes…

If only I could erase

That awful look in your eyes

When you talk

About _him…_

Him.

Your brother.

Your brother…

If only you knew.

If only I could tell you…

If only…

Hn.

That seems to be a recurring theme.

"If only."

But my life 

Is one disastrous recurring theme

After another

Isn't it?

I lose the people

I care most about

In some cases, even before 

I have a chance

To care about them…

And when I do get a chance

To say what I feel

What do I say?

"Hn."

And the one exception…

The one person

I wish I could actually talk to

Is beyond my grasp…

Now and forever… 

What I would give

To make you happy

To see you smile

And call me "brother…"

But you can't.

_I_ can't…

I wish I could tell you

What you want to hear

That I'm your brother

That you're my sister

But I can't.

Not now, not ever

And it pains me to see you

Searching for him.

Him… 

If only you knew that _he_ is _me_

That you can stop searching

That you can stop wondering…

Worrying…

I know.

I don't have

To keep searching for you

Because I've already found you

But…

I can never tell you.

I wish that I could

Oh, I wish

I wish…

I wish I may…

I wish I mi—

Hn.

Stupid ningen song.

I never used to know

Why I kept coming back

To this stupid world.

And then I realized…

It was you.

You were the only reason

I returned

Time and time again

To this stupid world of stupid humans.

Noisy humans…

Noisy, red-haired humans…

Noisy, stupid, red-haired—

Hn.

Him again.

He can't even leave my thoughts alone

He lives to torment me, I swear

But he might not…

If even _he_ knew…

But he doesn't.

Case in point:

He is stupid.

But not to you…

You like him (though I can't see why)

And he likes you…

Being with him makes you happy

You know how I feel when you're happy…

No.

You don't know.

You can't…

If only you did…

You would stop torturing yourself

With horrible questions

Like "Does my brother even care?"

"Does it matter to him that we were separated?"__

"Does he _know_ about me?"

"Has he found me, and just doesn't care?"

"Is he even alive?" 

Yes! I want to say

Yes, I'm alive, and I care about you!

But I can't say it

Because I can't tell you…

I can never tell you

Not now, not ever

And it pains me to see you

Searching for him.

Him… 

If you only knew that _he _is _me_

That you— 

Hn.

Great.

My thoughts are going in circles.

A sure sign that I should start thinking about something else.

But it's not so easy…

When you're so close to me…

And still so far away.

I get the feeling

That Fate

Has a very warped and sadistic

Sense of humor…

Ah.

We're back to her, are we?

Fate.

Fate

The Tormentor…

Fate

The Comedian…

Fate…

The Bitch.

You can't escape Fate

Someone once told me

For when you try to escape Fate

It _is _Fate.

I don't know about him, but _I_ choose my path in life

Not some sadistic bitch 

With an acute taste for irony

Who never wants me to tell you

The one thing

You wish to hear…

The one thing

That would make you so happy…

That would make your eyes light up…

But I can't tell you.

Because of one little promise…

Oh, yes.

The promise.

That stupid little promise

In which I skewered all hope

Of you finding your brother

Of you finding me…

Of me finding you…

It was an ingenious plan.

I would be able to find you

But not to tell you

Which defeated the purpose

Of me searching for you

In the first place.

Almost…

It almost defeated the purpose…

But…

I could still find you

Even if I couldn't tell you

I had found you

I could at least know where you were

And if you were safe

And I could watch over you

From the shadows.

From the shadows…

Always the shadows.

I am always in the shadows.

Always moving

Always running

But from what?

You?

No, not you

Never you

You are so innocent…

And I am…

The exact opposite.

_That's_ why I keep running.

I run from myself

Or try to, at least

I don't deserve you

I don't deserve

To have a sister like you

Who's so kind

And caring

And so opposite

Of me…

So, I keep running.

But I watch over you

While I run

I'll always watch over you

Like the brother I should be

Like the brother

I should have been

All along

But wasn't.

You are so kind to me

And I am so undeserving

"Have you found him yet?" you ask

"Have you found my brother?"

No, I have to say

I haven't found him

But I'll keep looking

And each time you ask

You look up at me with those trusting eyes

And I have to lie

I have to look you in the eyes

And lie to you

You wouldn't believe

How much that hurts…

Every time you ask me that question

It's a knife in my heart

And each time I say no

You look so sad…

And inadvertently

You twist the knife…

Don't get me wrong

I don't blame you

For the pain I cause myself.

I wish I could tell you

That I've found your brother

That I _am _your brother

But I can't

Because if I tell you

I break my promise

And the consequences

Of breaking that promise

Are far too great.

For if I die now

While I'm not your brother

Just me

You can still hope

To find him.

But if I tell you…

And the repercussions

Of that twisted promise

Come back for me…

Then you will never have a brother

And I can't let that happen.

So no matter how much it pains me

I have to keep lying…

But I'll never let anything happen to you

I'll always keep watch over you

And protect you

Even if it has to be

From the shadows.

Keep in mind

That whenever you feel lonely

Or scared…

Your brother loves you

And will always protect you.

Keep this in mind, also…

Your brother

Is much closer

Than you may have thought,

Yukina…

Owari


End file.
